As I stood in the shower this morning, I realised just how painful single life can be. Not just the heart aching emptiness of having no one to share your thoughts and dreams with but the lingering pain of a sunburnt back.

I’m fully aware of the dangers of venturing out into the harsh Australian sun without protection. I slip on a shirt, I slap on a hat and I slop on sunscreen but no matter how hard ones tries there are just some places you can’t apply sunscreen by yourself.

You can cover your own shoulders and neck in sunscreen, you can even do the lower part of your back but how the fuck do you get to the middle.

On Sunday I stood on the beach, twisting and contorted my arms and hands in a feeble attempt to cover my back but the more I contorted the more I realised just how pathetic I looked.

I could have asked someone at the beach for assistance but you just know they are going to give you that look.

It’s a confused look, with a hint of surprise, a dash of shock and a smattering of bewilderment; you know in their head they would be screaming “Oh what the fuck”. You know they won’t want to do it but they are probably not going to be able to find a reason to say no, they are just going to feel completely awkward and embarrassed.

You could ask one of the surf life savers to assist, they are there to save lives and we all know what damage a melanoma can do. Those little bastards start off as a freckle and within a few months they have burrowed down into your blood stream and have destroyed your immune system.

But who are you going to ask a woman or a man?

I couldn’t ask a man. Don’t get me wrong I’m completely down with my own sexuality; I’m comfortable with two men expressing their love for each other in public, I’m even down with the whole gay marriage idea.

I’m just not comfortable with some strange bloke rubbing sunscreen on my back, be he a surf life saver or not, it’s bad enough when you have to ask a mate to do it.

 So the only option would be to ask one of the few females on the surf patrol to rub sunscreen on your back. And you just know that she will be thinking that this is some feeble attempt on your part to get her number. Or worse that you are some pathetic, single, middle aged man going to the beach by himself.